Festival Fun

The year I finally made some progress as a musician the band’s drummer went off to Glastonbury , we waited for his return anxious to begin rehearsals for a planned UK tour , he never showed up , weeks went by and then I got a call from a man in Brighton who tells me he met our drummer in a pub and he sold him a drum kit .

The guy drove up from Brighton to pick the kit up , it was a very nice drum kit which I had found for the drummer , I even lent him money to buy it , I made the guy a cup of tea , he farted continously with no apology , I asked how much he paid for the kit , fifty quid he tells me, I should have gave him 50 quid and told him to fuck off back to Brighton .

The drummer got off his head as soon as arrived at Glastonbury , lost his friends , spent a lot of time swaggering about trying to worm his way backstage to harangue musicians , eventually when his brain wore out he is claimed by a Christian group abducted and taken back to Brighton.
Back in Rugby I begin to get creepy phone calls enquiring about his whereabouts , seems he had escaped.
I guess that is when I began to have negative feelings towards Glastonbury , the drummer had his own problems sure but the festival experience opened up a path and a journey from which he never returned.
Glastonbury cost me one of the best band line up’s I ever had , we never found a suitable replacement , a few years of work down the drain , everything we had done together unravelled instantly the day the drummer set foot on Worthy Farm.

2015 and Glastonbury is on tv ,it looks like a small city strewn with fairy lights , the BBC presenter announces the headline act Kanye West and the camera pans towards the stage.
A period of time passes whilst everyone waits for the show to begin and a sight of the man , a blinding bright light descends like a visitation from another planet and from within this celestial
aura emerges the current king of modern music , a prophet and visionary , Kanye West.

The stage set was impressively minimal , the chap pushing the buttons on the backing track machine was shoved in the corner obscured in dry ice for much of the time , blokes came on and stood at the back adding some lyrical chunter to Kanye’s incessant auto tuned vocoded hip hop twaddle.
Kanye looks like he has had a fight in a paint factory and under a vast bank of spotlights clumps about the stage like a chubby rapper cum diy man , an abysmal mauling of the sublime Curtis Mayfield song ‘Move on up.’ is Kanye’s grand finale delivered from high above the crowd perched on a cherry picker .
I am hoping his next track will be called ‘Crane accident.’
Kanye at one point in the show whacks an Akai MCP sampler , a $600 piece of equipment and treads water with a bad rap , I am thinking ‘How much would he get paid for performing that song ? it wasn’t a performance it was a robbery .

Or maybe Kanye is just a canny operator , leave out all the difficult shit like musicians , rehearsals and the like just show up with a cd and a bloke with a few keyboards to make it look like you got at something more than a plastic disc to perform with , ultra cost effective and also less problematic but despite the auto tune and the majority of the audio produced by digital means they still managed to fuck it up and walk away with a huge fee .
Kanye didn’t play my favourite song ‘Spaceship.’ from his first album but he did do ‘Jesus walks.’ but that was a wasted opportunity , a real band and big choir accompniment would have really been awesome but instead the sound man got the backing too quiet and Kanye too loud and it was like most of the performance a chore .
Apparently Kanye came along with a huge rabble of people , an entourage I think you call it , a mob of klingons , suckerfish riding on the belly of ole Kanye ,all the other artists have their guest lists cut to one guest per band member.
Kanye proclaimed to the audience ‘You are watching the greatest living rock star on the planet .’ only in your mind Kanye .


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