Phone call , a remembered transcript.


‘Hello ,  this is Lucinda calling you from windows technical support department .’

‘Window’s technical support ? ‘

‘Yes it’s about your computer sir , we are receiving critical error messages from your computer .’


‘From my computer . are you sure , I only bought it last year , it seems to be working perfectly ‘

‘Yes , we are receiving critical error messages from your computer , if you do not do something about it your computer will stop working , trust me  sir you do not understand because you are not a technical person , just please do what i say and I will show you these error warnings.’

‘Crumb’s it  all sounds very  dramatic , let me just go get a pen and paper , I won’t be a minute .’

At this point she is temporarily derailed , her petulant bleating goes on in my ear , I ramble on to her , a severe tooth abcess and medication providing the aural impression of an infirm elderly gentleman , after some scuffling of newspaper and huffing and puffing , I say ”Yes my dear please tell about these problems , now who are you again?’

It goes on and on , my technique of rambling works a treat , she tries to regain control ‘Yes , yes , yes but please listen to me , the control key do you see the control key ?’

‘The control key ? ‘

‘Yes the left hand side of the keyboard , do you see it ?’

‘Er I think so.’

The instructions regarding the keys goes on as long as I can string it out.

‘There is nothing wrong with the keyboard , the keyboard works fine , I am absolutely sure .’

Noooo , not the keyboard sir , your keyboard works fine , you see the key on the far left hand side , the one next to the control key , the one that has the flag on it.’

‘Yes.’ I didn’t I had two Mac laptops on .

The instructions to press two keys at the same time became a deeply frustrating process for Lucinda to convey to me , the more impatient she became the more inept I became.’

‘But I have pressed them three times, nothing has  happened , what should I be able to see ?’ I bleated in a fake weary defeated tone .

‘Ok  I’m passing you  on to  my manager , ok .’ she says in a stern manner like I was a naughty school child, and then it started all over gain exept this time Mr Manager had a thicker accent than the woman and was equally petulant .

‘So where are you based ?’ I asked.


‘Oh where a bouts in London , I used to work in the city you know .’

’14 Mmmmmm Street.’

‘Sorry I did not quite catch that , was that 14  Wardour Street ?’

There was quiet , then came the reply,

‘Bastard .’

I laughed , ‘You never realised did you .’ I said dropping the posh old fella routine , at this point he relied on his own dialect to issue a stream of , well to be honest all I could understand was ‘Your wife .’ the rest was just mumbo jumbo .



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