Phone call , a remembered transcript.
‘Hello , this is Lucinda calling you from windows technical support department .’
‘Window’s technical support ? ‘
‘Yes it’s about your computer sir , we are receiving critical error messages from your computer .’
‘From my computer . are you sure , I only bought it last year , it seems to be working perfectly ‘
‘Yes , we are receiving critical error messages from your computer , if you do not do something about it your computer will stop working , trust me sir you do not understand because you are not a technical person , just please do what i say and I will show you these error warnings.’
‘Crumb’s it all sounds very dramatic , let me just go get a pen and paper , I won’t be a minute .’
At this point she is temporarily derailed , her petulant bleating goes on in my ear , I ramble on to her , a severe tooth abcess and medication providing the aural impression of an infirm elderly gentleman , after some scuffling of newspaper and huffing and puffing , I say ”Yes my dear please tell about these problems , now who are you again?’
It goes on and on , my technique of rambling works a treat , she tries to regain control ‘Yes , yes , yes but please listen to me , the control key do you see the control key ?’
‘The control key ? ‘
‘Yes the left hand side of the keyboard , do you see it ?’
‘Er I think so.’
The instructions regarding the keys goes on as long as I can string it out.
‘There is nothing wrong with the keyboard , the keyboard works fine , I am absolutely sure .’
Noooo , not the keyboard sir , your keyboard works fine , you see the key on the far left hand side , the one next to the control key , the one that has the flag on it.’
‘Yes.’ I didn’t I had two Mac laptops on .
The instructions to press two keys at the same time became a deeply frustrating process for Lucinda to convey to me , the more impatient she became the more inept I became.’
‘But I have pressed them three times, nothing has happened , what should I be able to see ?’ I bleated in a fake weary defeated tone .
‘Ok I’m passing you on to my manager , ok .’ she says in a stern manner like I was a naughty school child, and then it started all over gain exept this time Mr Manager had a thicker accent than the woman and was equally petulant .
‘So where are you based ?’ I asked.
‘Oh where a bouts in London , I used to work in the city you know .’
’14 Mmmmmm Street.’
‘Sorry I did not quite catch that , was that 14 Wardour Street ?’
There was quiet , then came the reply,
I laughed , ‘You never realised did you .’ I said dropping the posh old fella routine , at this point he relied on his own dialect to issue a stream of , well to be honest all I could understand was ‘Your wife .’ the rest was just mumbo jumbo .