BASSMAN LOVES THE MORMONS

I confess, I used to wind Mormons up. They were based near to my studio and each day a duo identically dressed in white shirts and black trousers would pass by on their way to do whatever they do.

I had no idea what their mission was until I began to have regular encounters with them.
After my first encounter I thought I better do some research. I consulted my copy of Cults and Fanatics, a measly paperback book given away free with a newspaper.
After I had done my research and tried to read The Book of Mormon my interactions with them became a little more contentious.

‘It’s probably the least spiritual book I have ever read, a phone directory has more soul than The Book of Mormon, it’s not even good literature,Ron L Hubbard could of done better..’ The American Mormon did not like my opinion of The Book , his face went a deep shade of red, he looked like his head was about to explode .

They marked the studio out as a no go area and left me alone , the studio eventually closed, a year and a half later I am engaged in domestic chores and there is a knock , I opened the door wearing my red serial killer boiler suit.

There standing before me were two Mormons,was this an apt opportunity to off load all my frustration on the Mormons?
The problem I had was that I was completely disabled by these guy’s niceness.
Anyway a bit of chit chat, one guy is from New Zealand,he looked like he had just stepped out of an old WW2 news reel, the other is a good looking lad from Italy and I got to be honest I found them intelligent and good company.

The Mormons thought they had found a potential convert, I got another copy of The Book of Mormon to replace the last one that hit the recycling bin ,an invite to a Mormon function and a card about family tree’s. They took my telephone number and promised to come round to help me with my garden.

They never came round to help me with my garden,I was disappointed, I needed this antique telegraph pole removing and I thought a bit of hard work would do them some good,but they never showed.
The New Zealand guy got sent to Cardiff, he is a tough lad I could tell,the Italian is still around but has a different partner, an American but still a very nice guy.

I would rather boil my balls in yaks spit than read another word of The Book of Mormon, it is completely unfathomable but that is no reason to despise the Mormons.
Being away from home ,transplanted into this parochial little town, governed soley by commerce , petty greed and thievery, fucked forever by bent property investors,they have my sympathy, they seemed to me some of the sanest and honest people I have met in a long time.

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